作者TimHathaway

A very awkward conversation once taught me about the difference between attitudes toward adoption in America and China. When a friend found out my parents told me I was adopted at a very young age she said she did not agree with their decision. In fact she said she was angry at them presumably for harming me psychologically. I told her that I was glad they told me and only if I had found out as an adult would I have been angry because family is more than blood.

在一次很奇怪的交谈中，我了解到中国与美国在收养孩子问题上的态度差异。一个朋友得知我父母在我很小的时候就告诉我是被收养的后，她对他们的行为表示反对，甚至生他们的气。因为她认为我的父母在我那么小的时候就告诉我真相，一定让我受伤了。我回答说，我很高兴我小时候父母就告诉了我，如果长大以后才知道真相，我会对父母发怒，因为家庭比血统更重要。

Growing up with the knowledge that I was adopted was not easy but I am grateful for that knowledge. As a child I often wondered who my biological parents were and why they could not keep me. My curiosity seems to be one of two reactions adoptees have. Other adoptees I have met simply do not want to know about their biological parents. I occasionally talk with others about this in America because most of us know we were adopted and there is nothing shameful about these issues.

在童年知道自己是被收养的孩子并不容易，但是由于知晓事实我还是非常感谢养父母。小时候我常常考虑我的生身父母是谁和为什么他们不能养育我。这是被收养者的两个反应之一。我见过的一些被收养者对生身父母简直不感兴趣。我偶尔跟这些人谈到这个问题，因为在美国这样的人几乎都知道自己是被收养的，而且彼此间谈到这个话题时也并没什么害羞的。

The idea that it is better to keep their identity a secret is fallacious. Psychologists recommend that a child be told as young as possible and then they will ask questions according to their curiosity. They believe it is better to deal with the issue together as a loving family than to have the child find out at an older age and create serious mistrust issues.

那种认为最好把孩子的身份掩盖起来的观念是不对的。心理学家都建议尽早告知小孩被收养的真相，然后他们会按照自己的方式慢慢了解情况。心理学家认为，家庭成员一起面对问题比让孩子长大后才明白事实真相、并因此产生严重的不信任感要好。

The cultural attitude towards adoption in America is founded on two assumptions. The first is that the child has the right to know. The second is that concealment of information like this is tantamount to lying. If parents conceal the truth I do not interpret that as a form of protection. I would feel like they stole something of mine and that they did not trust my love for them.

美国文化对收养的看法建立在两个假定上。第一个是孩子有知情权。第二个是掩盖这种真相跟说谎一样。如果家长把真实情况对我保密，我不认为是一种保护，反而我会感到似乎我被父母偷窃了一样，我会感到他们不信任我对他们的爱。

Perhaps the most common fear in people’s minds is that the child will run away to be with the biological parents. I have never heard of this happening but some adoptees do search for their biological parents. I did this when I was 20 years old. I asked for my parents’ permission first and they supported me in my need to know who I am.

也许人们最普遍的担心就是怕孩子要跑掉去找生身父母。我从来没听说过这种事情发生，但是有一些被收养者在寻找自己的生身父母，我２０岁时也这样做过。首先我征求父母的允许，他们都支持我的这个自我了解的需要。

Even as an adult I sought their consent because I wanted to respect them. I felt a need to know about my biological relations because we had a history together. My parents had nothing to fear because healthy families are based on love and trust not blood.

尽管已经是一个成年人，但我还是因为尊敬的缘故而求得父母的允许。由于有共同的历史，我很想知道自己的生物关系。养父母没有什么害怕的，因为良好的家庭根基建立在爱情和信任之上，而不是血统之上。